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Monday, July 16th, 2001
12:41 pm
I need something.

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Saturday, July 14th, 2001
8:28 pm - Damned world, life sucks.
I have been so awful feeling recently, I can't stand living anymore. This is all too much and I'm tired. I don't even want to get up in the morning. I'm just failing at everything I've ever tried to do. Kevin said he wouldn't talk to me again if I puked again, and, since his friendship really matters to me, I promised I wouldn't, but today I was just so close, as in standing by the toilet close, but I didn't. Why? Because that is how much he means, but it would just be easier to give up. I haven't cut in a while either, but I am feeling so fucking low...I don't know what to do anymore. I don't care. It's that anymore, I WANT people to hate me.



And on another, less depressing note, I found someone who claims that Kevin is their worst enemy. Even got me to hate him...at a time, even though I didn't know him at the time. Amanda (aka, Matt Chains), my best friend from 3rd grade. This Kevin person, who was so mean to her, I mean, I guess he was really mean, but I don't know, cuz it really affected her, she talked about him being so mean all through 4th grade. And I never connected it until now. By the way, Amanda is really hyper, and she makes me really hyper, it's very odd. Also, Allie reminds me of Amanda a little.



Leave me the fuck alone, please. There is nothing you can do. No one really gives a fuck about me anyway so stop pretending.

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Monday, July 9th, 2001
11:27 pm
finally i get to be online later, but this time there' no one else on. damnit. damnit. damnit. I want someone to talk to, really badly, so someone come online and talk to me. My aim is iliveinawall.

current mood: bored

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Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
7:23 pm
once i tried at happiness and failed miserably.

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2:55 pm
eh, oddness, after the shrink i came home and did homework. yes, oh the excitement of the day! (note sarcasm) my ear hurts, good. can of ass!!!

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8:30 am
feeling very odd today. i'm pretty sure that most of the world hates me, but this time i really don't care. it's funny almost. i'm very disconnected. i peirced my ear, which i've already stated, so now i have pain, whenever i want. haha. well anyway, today i have a shrink to go to, fun. lovely, great, i can't even tell her what's actually going on. oh well, i will eventually.

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Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
10:07 pm
i am very depressed, the only thing i can think of to make myself feel better is can of ass. hehe, can of ass. i hate being depressed.

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9:55 pm
damned life and parents and brain, ech, i want to die. get to bone.

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8:36 pm
oh no, mary might have to follow me around school friday, aaaahhhhh, damn her to heaven. uh, everybody where black and glare at the little kids on friday, hehe, funny, mary was going to come the whole day with me though, that will surely suck. damn.

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8:42 am
i peirced my ear at midnight with a safety pin, oh the funness, a creative way of inflicting pain on myself. but oh, how to tell the mother?

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
10:18 pm
ahhhhh, hyperactivity!!!!!!and insomnia but oh well, damned brain. why does stuff have to happen to me?

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7:35 pm
i despise my parents, they're always bitching at me and making me feel worthless, then they ignore my emotions, just like friends, the only difference is that they have the legal right to make me feel like shit if they choose. i'm worthless andi just want to die beyond any other feeling or wish i have it is to die, so here i am now, cutting myself again, tearing at my arm, so now there are many bleeding gashes, i wish that my knife was sharp enough to cut deep, i need the pain now, it's the only thing that's keeping me going, if only to die, because i've been abandoned by everything else.

current mood: fucked up

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7:18 pm
Being torn apart
from my soul
goading you
Attack me
Ripped and ruined
lying bloody by the back door,
I wasn't found
no, I'll never be found...
no, not again.
Stand against the holes
and screaming memories
I walk away.
came home, said everything's alright
but I never did come back.
Isn't me,
some hollow echo
shadow being
Who was I
back then?
Every nightmare's
being torn apart again,
not really living anymore.
you
never knew.

current mood: depressed

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7:12 pm
This is starting to amuse me, in the most morbid sence ogf the word, how easy it must be to hate me. Cuz it sure is a hell of a lot easier to ignore me than fucking talk to me. Makes me feel like shit, like i don't matter at all, or at least not enough to talk to. I've been trying to talk to my friends the whole fucking weekend, but no one ever wants to talk to me, i'm beginning to think i'm being blocked...and that would hurt, especially right now, i'm really feeling like shit. I don't exactly understand what i may have done, but i'm sure i did something to deserve this...and i'm sorry...but...i wish some one would explain...i just don't understand.
I'm in pain right now, i feel worthless, bloody dead. i'm nothing anymore, and i'm sorry for all that i've done. please, tell me what i did...

current mood: bloody

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5:46 pm
why do i have to keep going on like this? why can't i just die?

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5:32 pm
are people ignoring me? cuz it feels like i'm being ignored and like people don't care. why won't people talk to me?

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11:47 am
depressed as hell and i hate my parents.

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11:40 am
allergies suck and they should die.

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11:37 am
i wish that i wasn't such a bad person, wish that i knew how to socialize too. i never talk to people. i hear that i should start...but sometimes it's just way to difficult. i don'ty know, online it's easier to talk to people, especially those that i don't know. i wish someone was online to talk to.

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10:50 am
i wish i had someone to do something with today, i am incredibly bored, so someone im me or something.

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